Friday Hoomer, Vol. 2.......uh........hmmmm

[surveyor]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Grub]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[Old Blue]

:lol: Touchet! Two very excellent funnies. My congrats to you both. Just stay away from Methodist Churches and don't go out on Fridays. ;)

[sCATback]

ok I have one to add.

It was holloween and this guys doorbell rings he answers the door and a kid is dressed as a devil. the guy says oooohhhh a devil where are all you demons this kid says " I killed them all" so the guy says ok here is some candy.

In a minute his door bell and a kid is dressed as a cowboy. the guys says oooohhhh a cowboy, where are all the Indians. the kid says "I shot'em all" so the guy says ok here have some candy.

In a couple of more minutes his door bell rings and a kid with a speech problem dressed as a Pirate says Twick or tweat. The guys says ooohhhh a Pirate where are your Buccaneer's? The kid says on the side of my bucking head. :lol:

[KY Native in IN]

This gal visits her aging mother on a daily basis and notices that she's feeling glum and down but not really what she would call "sick", luckily she happens to run into their doctor at the grocery store and tells him about the problem to see if he has any theories....he tells her to put a little whiskey in her milk each morning and see what happens, an old fashioned "remedy" that may help, give her some vim and vigor...but the problem is her mother is a "tee totaller" never touches the stuff, so one morning she slips just a touch in her milk, the next day just a tad more, a little more the next day and so on....about the 5th day she asks her mother how she's feeling and her reply is "darlin' whatever you do, don't sell that cow!"

:?

[KY Native in IN]

a grasshopper goes into a bar, steps up and before he can order his drink the bartender says, "hey, we got a drink named after you!"...perplexed, the grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Steve?"

:rolleyes:

[trublu]

:lol:Excellent! It may not be Friday, but I just had several good laughs.:thumbup